A Healing Journey by neverstaybroken

There is a part of me that is afraid of my fiancé. Every once in a while, for reasons I understand fully yet rarely see beforehand, something inside of me is triggered. I will then spend the rest of my day waiting for her to lose her temper and lash out at me.

During these times, my inner child is on full alert. I feel like small prey in the wilderness, waiting for the twig snap that signals a barrage of screaming, or a slap to the back of my head.

The thing is, Kim has never once hit me, cursed at me, or called me a name out of anger. In fact, she has shown me more patience and love than any person I have ever had in my life.

In three years together, she has never abused me. That’s right. I am the one with the childhood trauma.

Has she made mistakes? Sure. Has she said things in the heat of the moment? Of course. I have, too. It’s a relationship, not a sainthood.

If my fear isn’t actually caused by her, where does it come from?

The answer lies back, way back in my childhood. Which honestly, is pretty obvious. Right now.

But when I’m in the moment, and everything inside is screaming at me to either run or lash out, all I can see is what I think is there. I can only see the danger that I believe is right in front of me.

So, what do I do? How do I learn to see reality for what it is, and not for what it once was?

1 – I shut my mouth and take a breath.

I cannot overstate how vital this is for me. When I feel cornered, I usually don’t fight. I either shut down, or my brain goes into hyper drive and I start talking. I will say whatever I need to say to get me back to safety. I will lie. I will tell Kim what I think she wants to hear. Not because I want to mislead her, but because I am afraid she will hurt me somehow if I don’t live up to what I think she wants.

2 – I walk away (both mentally and physically).

When I am triggered, my first instinct is to run. However, I don’t always do this physically. What Kim sees as withdrawal is actually my flight response. I mentally run and hide from whatever perceived threat I’m faced with.

Worse, I won’t always take the physical space I need in order to sort things out. I’m still new to recovery, and I’m new to healing. I am not a professional by any means. I am simply sharing my journey.

I’ve learned that, while I go into flight mode mentally, I will often freeze physically. All this accomplishes is that I am stuck right there in the same room as my “threat”.

And so I try to make myself walk away, not run, both mentally and physically.

3 – I gather my thoughts, and then bring them back to Kim.

I wouldn’t be able to do this if I didn’t feel safe around my fiancé. Granted, sometimes it takes a while, sometimes days, for me to break down the perceived threat and talk to her about it.

This is actually amazing progress for me. I used to hold things in for months. Last year, I thought Kim snapped at me over a suggestion I made about ramen noodles. It took me 6 months to ask her about it, because I mentally ran away. I made assumptions about something that didn’t actually happen in the first place. Because of my childhood, my inner child was telling me this situation was the same as something from my past, and I was so wired to follow it, I just did.

4 – I listen to Kim’s feedback, no matter how it makes me feel.

As I stated before, I only feel comfortable doing this because Kim has proven herself to be someone I can trust. This couldn’t happen if I had never been willing to give her a chance to begin with.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been difficult. But over time, like a faucet dripping clean water into a cup of coffee, I have been able to start seeing things more clearly.

5 – I get a second opinion.

Kim is a wonderful, beautiful, and patient woman who genuinely wants the best for me, just as I do for her. However neither one of us is a professional. While I know she has my best interests at heart, she doesn’t always know what those interests are.

When we feel safe, we will talk about what’s going on. Over the first 3 years of our relationship I have had to learn how to identify which relationship issues I should take to someone else, and which should stay between Kim and me.

Overall, it boils down to understanding, patience, communication, and trust. We understand that we are not the same person. We understand that the other person has issues that we need to work through and we patiently give them the time and space they need. We communicate, even when it’s tough. And we trust each other to work through these things in our own, often very different ways.

It’s been one heck of a journey. We often struggle. But I am learning that a relationship requires work. Our differences are what make it interesting. Our willingness to learn and grow is what makes it beautiful.

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist or a recovery professional. All I do is give my feedback and tell my personal story. Therefore, nothing I say should be taken as actual therapeutic advice.

If you are struggling, I earnestly urge you to reach out to a mental health and/or recovery professional. Seriously, I do it, and it helps.

May God bless you on your life journey ahead. Drop your first name and a general location if you would like me to pray for you.